For the UnHip

If you are anything like me, you find it hard to keep up with today’s music. It seems that as soon as you run to your nearest Sam Goody to pick up the latest album tearing up the charts, all your imaginary friends on MTV are listening to the next big thing. I became frustrated trying to always have the number one pick on MTV’s super-hot-and-sexy television show TRL poised in my mini-disc player. That’s “Total Request Live” for those of you who aren’t hip to this groove. Few should have to come to terms with the embarrassment induced by cruising my old high school parking lot “bumping” to the new Enrique hit, only to find that the new, in-your-face, Avril Lavigne tune is the proper track to “get your bump on.” Too many nights I have cried myself to sleep wishing there were someone to tell me what kind of music I should be listening to. One could imagine my jubilation when, after so many nights of being punch-drunk on salty tears, I found out that there was an annual show that gathered all the artists that I should know about and lets me know exactly which ones I now like.

I’m of course talking about the Grammy Awards.

If you haven’t heard about and watched the Grammy Awards, you could very well be un-cool. Why waste time and money finding music that you’ve never heard of when it is quite obvious that the best of the best are right under your nose? If I’ve learned anything about watching television for twenty-two years, it’s that if there’s a show handing people statues that have “Best Whachamacallit“ engraved on them, it’s common knowledge that that whachamacallit is the best, damn whachamacallit there ever will be. Or at least until they start handing out more statues next year.

Of course, when I first heard about this awards ceremony, I was a tad skeptical. “This is too good to be true,” I exclaimed to my imaginary MTV friends. So I decided to get to the bottom of this theatric spectacle called the Grammy Awards by conducting a little undercover, detective work. I visited their website.

As it turns out, the Grammy Awards are the real deal. They have set up a program completely free of any bias and corruption. How do I know that? They told me on their website. Lets break down the process to fully appreciate the purity that is the Grammy Awards.

Joe All-star has himself a hit single that has been on the Billboard’s Top Ten list for a record-breaking three hours. Joe All-star thinks he has a shot at a Grammy. What does Joe have to do to get his name in the running? According to their Frequently Asked Question list, in order to submit an entry for Grammy recognition Joe must be a “voting member, associate member, or a music video company, record label — major and independent — who has registered with the Awards department.” This is very comforting. I would hate it if some band that has been plugging away in the bar scene still trying to get signed to a label would be capable of submitting something for Grammy approval. The Grammy Awards should be reserved for the best of the best. If you’re not tearing up the charts, then you’re not worth my time.

Wait a second.

What’s all this talk about a “voting member”? What does it take to be a voting member? The Grammy Awards FAQ has that one covered, as well.

Voting members are “professionals with creative or technical credits on six commercially released tracks (or their equivalent). These may include vocalists, conductors, songwriters, composers, engineers, producers, instrumentalists, arrangers, art directors, album notes writers, narrators and music video artists
and technicians.” Well that’s a relief. It eases my mind to know that the people who are deciding my favorite music are professionals that have gotten their names attached on at least six projects.

If a one of these professionals submit an entry and it meets the eligibility requirements, then the entry is submitted for approval by voters. During thescreening of eligibility, no judgment is passed onto the quality of the submission.

What the eligibility requirements actually are they do not say. Rest assured, however, that these are professionals doing the screening and we need not worry about how they do things. After the entry is screened for eligibility and properly slighted by being placed into a general category such as Rock, Pop, Hip-Hop, or Polka, the nominations are ready to begin. The voting members gather around and begin to work their magic, passing infallible judgment as to which artists are hot, and which artists are not.

I know what you’re thinking, because I was thinking the same thing. What if the record companies bias the voting process and make it unfair?

According to the Grammy FAQ, the voting is done by “Recording Academy voting members only. Record companies do not vote.” So the voting is not done by the manipulative record companies, but rather by the professionals that work for the manipulative record companies. The purity is still intact!

The voting members, which (if you remember) are the ones who submitted the entry in the first place, are the only ones who can cast a vote on the cool factor of the hot new tracks. This way, we can be sure we are not being subjected to a carefully orchestrated scam crafted by the recording industry that exists only to perpetuate further sales of mainstream music. That’s a relief! I would hate to think that I’m just a pawn in a corporate sales scheme.

However, the fun doesn’t stop there. Rather than mail the awards to the artists and alert the nation by a national press conference what artists we should now like, they put together a theatrical display the likes we have never seen since the Academy Awards, or the Music Television Awards, or perhaps the Cable Ace Awards, and the Golden Globe Awards, or maybe even the People’s Choice Awards. The extravaganza begins with the fanfare of the Pre-Ceremony Shows. The sun smiles upon me any day I get to see Joan Rivers and her daughter Melissa provide live commentary on the wardrobe selected by my favorite artists. If there is one thing as exciting as finding out who my new favorite artists will be, it is finding out whom my old favorite artists are wearing. This show doesn’t get any better! I can compare my wardrobe to that of the stars and engage in self-deprecation whenever I’ve made an inadvertent fashion faux pas.

Self-improvement isn’t the only ace up the sleeve of The Annual Grammy Awards Pre-Ceremony. There is always the potential of J.Lo (Jennifer Lopez for the un-hip) or Christina Aguilera showing up with a dress made of wet toilet paper or a single rubber band. Everyone at work will be talking about these dresses for the next three weeks, so you best pay attention and take notes. Also on the hot-and-sexy itinerary is the inevitable “who-is-showing-up-with-who-around-their-arm.” We can cheer and jeer at our favorite musical artists’ choices in social relationships and poke fun at their dissolving marriages.

The magic begins when the lights go out and the curtains come up. Those who thought they were going to witness a simple distribution of awards are in for a pleasant surprise. All the greatest tunes by the bands of today will be broadcast over the speaker system while the artists sing silent songs into microphones that aren’t plugged in. Why would we want to hear a live version of the track when a perfectly good processed version can simply be overdubbed while the artist dances about the stage shedding clothing? Then we throw in an award announcement featuring a pairing of two unpredictable artists who vocally abuse each other on a regular basis in order so see what happens when their in close proximity to one another. Now that’s entertainment!

If there was any question as to whether or not the Grammy Awards are a legitimate and effective tool for deciding what music to purchase, I hope I’ve stamped them out to non-existence like last year’s Best New Artist. No longer should you waste your hard earned money on that unsigned band on the five dollar shelf of your local music store when there are proven classics on sale for a cheap $24.95.

The Grammy committee has worked very hard in deciding what music is good enough for you. By not conforming to their hot-and-sexy list, you are only hurting yourself.