Space, the final BOREtier

I downloaded this game called EVE on the recommendation of some dude. It looked pretty fun on the outside. There are spaceships and planets and rockets and I think there are also lasers. It had a free 14 day trial, so I figured, “What have I got to lose?”

I’ll tell you what I had to lose. My LUNCH, after I threw up with anger and frustration at this stupid flippin’ game. I spent probably 2 hours just learning how to get INTO my spaceship. Then I took off zipping through the galaxy and started blasting shit. Moonpies? Blasted! Spacepigs? Blasted! Solar sluts? Blasted! I was basically blasting everything that came across my path like Sir Blastalot.

Suddenly, this dude comes out of nowhere and blasts ME!! Ok, I thought, now it’s time to get down to business and destroy this son of a gun! I turn to shoot and the next thing I know, I’m space dust! WTF!

So I get in another ship and play it cool. No blasting everything. I was Johnny Diplomat. I followed all the rules and played their little games. I chased off space pirates and taxied tourists all over the freaking universe for hours. Finally I had enough coin to buy a sweet spaceship that could blow the doors off of the chump ride I was currently cruising in. I hit the market, splashed some coin, and suited up. I took off on my very first mission in my new ride. I had the works. Missles, guns, lasers, hydraulics, am/fm radio, stuts, butts, and futts. It cost me something like a million space bucks, but I was pimping.

I get to the destination that the mission sent me to and I’m thinking, “Time to kick some asses.” I look around and I’m surrounded by space cowboys with awesome ships of their own and they’re all gunning for me! I lasted about 3 seconds and I was space dust again.

Having played similar lame games as World of Warcraft, I’m thinking, “Dang, that was some lame shit. I’ll respawn back in a base and I’ll come back and show these guys that I mean business.” Only, I’m not respawning. I’m floating around in a blinking egg? I slowly fly my blinking egg back to base to get my spaceship back, only it’s not there. The only thing I get is a letter from some guy saying basically, “I heard about your spaceship. Sucks to be you. Here’s a space rock worth about 1/34264th what you lost.”

I couldn’t believe it! All that time spent getting the coin, buying all the shit, flying around to get it, only to fly it once and get blown to smithereens?!

I then threw up my lunch.